Break the loop of loneliness and isolation

Loneliness and isolation is a worldwide health crisis that is reported to become more and more severe. But what they don’t report on is how you have the possibility to create a reality of connection for yourself. Loneliness and isolation is at its root a lack of connection with yourself and others. By stepping into self-awareness and asking yourself with honesty and compassion what contributed to feelings of loneliness and isolation, you could find that there are beliefs or behaviors that you can challenge and work on to create a deeper connection to yourself and your surroundings.

I invite you to do the included embodiment exercises and inquiries to shed some light on your own situation and embodiment.

Loneliness from solitude?

It is a practice of self-care to have moments of solitude that allow for introspection and creativity. Some blame it on being introverted. But if you feel lonely nevertheless ask yourself if there is something holding you back from connecting with people. People who self-isolate or feel isolated can neither express themselves fully, nor connect with others authentically, or they have a form of social anxiety and experience nervousness in social settings. They might not understand why they feel alone. Connecting to ourselves, our embodiment, our values and nervous system, shows us what we need and what we are experiencing.

Do you know what yours are and what they feel like in your body? Connecting with yourself, grounds you in your sensations, your needs and values; holds you honest and accountable for your life experiences. This helps you find your way back to connecting with life, and creating better life experiences through awareness of what you are creating so far. As you reflect on this topic, what can you be honest about, and what do you sense in your body as you open up?

Isolation goes against our nature

Isolation goes against our nature as social beings; we need physical touch to feel connected to life, love and our joys. We are social beings who need to be seen and need to express ourselves with other people. When isolation has become normal in today’s society, as well as canceling plans at the last minute and avoiding people, humanity is lacking in deep connection, and therefore, in the ability to relate to others. Isolating yourself or withdrawing from physical connection is not an individual experience, but expands into a loss of connection for the whole of our humanity. 

To balance solitude and social connection we need community and family. Not everyone has that and the lack thereof will increase the a sense of loneliness and self-efficiency, needing to manage on your own, not asking for help, not connecting to a sense of togetherness or community. In my home country Finland the pursuit of solitude in nature is a trait and a part of Finnish culture. Simultaneously, people feel more isolated and anxious. To be a loner who enjoys the perks of solitude may be a personal preference, but when does it make you feel asocial and disconnected from people? Can you be in a nurturing pendulum of socializing and retreating back to solitude, or do your longer periods of alone-ness turn into loneliness as you start avoiding people and connection? 

Loving relationships are needed for our species to thrive. We are social beings and want to be amongst people who we connect with on a deeper level. We need connection with others, physical touch, a sense of safety and belonging. The pandemic has shown us what isolation looks like and feels like, and it has given all of us the opportunity to look ourselves in the mirror regarding our social life. Lay out a piece of paper and write and draw what comes up when you ask yourself the following: 

• Do we reach out to people, do we foster our relationships with in-person meetups? 
• Do we connect with those friends authentically and feel we can be ourselves in that company?
• Do we enjoy our own company in social settings, or do we turn into someone else to fit in? 
• How do we express ourselves in social situations and what feels difficult in such situations? 
• Are we flaky after the pandemic allowed us to be absent and retreated into the comfort zone of our house?

Isolating due to social anxiety or trauma?

In self-imposed isolation we can feel that we collect our energy, and recharge our social batteries, but it can also be a way of protecting ourselves from other people or social settings that make us feel uncomfortable or nervous. Some self-isolate because they feel overwhelmed or anxious when interacting with strangers. Others feel uncomfortable because they cannot express themselves authentically amongst their friends, or because of unhealed trauma that comes up in the body during such interactions. 

Check in with yourself honestly and write down what comes to your awareness: 

• Do you suffer from feelings of loneliness, or social anxiety, or are you introverted but lacking a healthy balance of social connection and time in solitude? 
• How can you sense your feelings of loneliness? 
• How does it manifest itself in your embodiment or physical body?

Being lonely for a longer period of time can make you further dread social interaction. The threshold to reach out and connect then becomes bigger and you might start to believe that you behave awkwardly amongst people, and that they will not enjoy your presence. You might start to feel like an outsider who doesn’t mix well with other people, and this social anxiety grows the more you spend time alone. This causes a loop of further isolation, or self-isolation, a term that in Finnish discourse is sometimes wrongly reported on as a choice, something that the person is doing to themselves instead of socializing and engaging with life. 

When you feel lonely, understand that it is your responsibility to reach out to people, to connect with people. And if that feels scary, and you don’t know how to connect, remember that social connection is a human need, and that engaging with people is necessary for your wellbeing. Meeting yourself with compassion, without judgment, allows you to acknowledge that you are lonely and that you desire to connect with people. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with acknowledging that you are lonely. To feel better we have to feel what we are currently feeling and give space to those emotions, so that we don’t suppress them with stubborn toxic positivity. When you experience loneliness and isolation you will know what it feels like, because those sensations become a part of your embodiment; your body will tell you that you need touch, connection, deep conversation, to be noticed and listened to, and supported by others. Listening to your body is your responsibility. Listening when your body is calling out for connection is a practice of self-care, and as you practice connecting to your embodiment you learn to understand what your body is communicating to you. Connecting to yourself, your embodiment, your senses, your awareness, makes you more aware of others’ embodiment too, which helps you connect with people easier in social settings.

How to break the loop of loneliness and isolation?

Connection is a human need. Being seen and heard for who we really are and what we are experiencing in our lives emotionally and physically, is a need. When we feel we cannot express our authentic selves, because we fear being misunderstood, or being seen as something we are not, we can feel prone to isolate instead of reaching out. It is the behavior of a mind that is trying to keep you safe and comfortable, so show yourself compassion.  

A somatic sense of safety opens up the desire to connect with others as your authentic self, and to have new life experiences. Breaking the loop of self-isolation starts when we

• know who we are
• know what our values are and what we believe in
• know how to express our needs and set boundaries with people who may try to cross them
• know how to talk to strangers
• know our embodiment in social settings
• know what it is to meet ourselves without judgment.

I invite you to make it into an embodiment practice to foster connection in social settings: make eye contact with people on public transportation, smile at your neighbors and ask how their day is going, small talk at the supermarket. Stay connected to your embodiment while you connect to others. Notice how such interactions spark a sense of togetherness and can make you feel less lonely and more connected to your environment. Reach out to people to connect, even to talk about this topic, and notice if this makes you feel more connected to who you are and who your friends are.

Create opportunities where you connect to yourself, your environment, and the people around you. This effort to try something new creates new neuro-pathways and with that new behavior and new beliefs. Notice your thoughts, your patterns, your physical sensations – how it feels in your body to be in social settings and including yourself in conversation. Notice when you felt seen or heard. What felt different? What changed? Let me know what the inquiries helped you discover.